Good Monday morning. Meditation will be tonight at 7 as usual. See you there. Please let me know via text or email if you will be there.
Today I am sharing a piece of writing from a few years back. Letting go and forgiveness are dynamic processes so need to be revisited as the opportunities arise. They are the steps needed to help us move forward in our lives. I have taught about being vulnerable and finding your power within it for so many years so thought it was time to share this piece of writing. I always thought it might be included in my book and it might. What I do know is that I want to honor the grace that I felt then and have felt in the years since. I felt fearful and powerful. Sometimes we grow in ways that a relationship doesn’t fit anymore. It is not a place to lay blame or find fault. Sometimes it is best to move on. The question is can we let go inside too so that our energy is in present time for us to open up to the gifts life has to offer. It is a journey for sure and I know I have moved through times of both letting go and hanging on to things. Time to step into that power more and more. I forgive myself and I let go and surrender to my life’s unfolding. Hope this little piece of my story relates to you in some way.
Arriving home from work in early December of 2008, the still unfamiliar quiet of my home struck me. A pain of loss shot through my heart from the memory of the familiar noises of raising three children. Exhausted from the week, I wandered upstairs to find my husband lying on our bed watching TV. We were nearing our 25th wedding anniversary and as I looked at him I thought back to those two young people who had fallen in love on a field hockey trip to Europe almost 28 years before. Together we moved across the world with open, adventurous hearts, created a life and raised three wonderful children. What happened?
Most Friday evenings we went down to the local sushi restaurant for a meal and a glass of wine, but somehow tonight felt different. He said he wasn’t hungry so I went to get something to eat and feeling sad and unwelcome I went to my daughter’s room to read. He seemed engrossed in the rugby match he was watching on TV. I missed the children so much. Even though I was busy at work, I had more time and space than I was used to and this left me alone with myself and my feelings more and more and highlighted the missing aspects of our marriage. Well, there I was relaxing and feeling my sadness and my husband came into the room, lay down next to me and announced that he was not in love with me and did not want to be married anymore. Pain ripped through my body and my heart felt as if someone had reached inside of me and torn out a piece of it.
Somehow, underneath those intense feelings of hurt and pain, I felt a sense of peace and inner knowing. Was I ready to activate my life fully and put into practice what I helped others through every day and had committed to 14 years before?
I stayed present to the ripping sensation in my heart and flashed back to the past, a running inventory of times my heart had been broken by this man. I knew the time had come for me to let go, let go of this marriage I had fiercely held onto for 25 years, let go into what was truly in alignment for me. I remembered the prayer I had uttered each morning for the past year:
“OK, God or Spirit, I know I am here on this earth to be of service. Whoever and whatever is in my life that supports that, let them be here; whoever and whatever does not support that, let them be gone.”
Isn’t there a saying, “Be Careful what you wish for.” Well here I was on a Friday evening lying in our beautiful home and my husband drops the bomb. Prayer answered.
I had met him when I was 19 years old about the age of my twin daughters now. We had moved from South Africa to Los Angeles and then Phoenix, leaving behind everything familiar and comfortable just after our son was born. I wasn’t sure if I knew how to be me if I wasn’t his wife and the mother of our three beautiful children who were beginning their own independent lives.
As shock waves ripped through my body at the undeniable truth that our lives together were over, I felt an amazing sense of inner calm at my core. I smiled at the Divine intervention and reminded myself to surrender to my life’s unfolding and that I was held in Spirit’s loving embrace.
My journey had just taken a sharp turn and I knew deep inside that what was happening was in alignment with my highest good. The relationship between that part of my being and my deeply saddened, incredibly frightened human self was about to become very intimate. Thankful for the inner strength and peace I had developed over the past 14 years, I let go into a flood of grief, rage and sadness that I felt in every cell of my body.
Fourteen years before this night, my heart had truly been broken and I now realized that the new skin that had grown over the wound had merely been covering a deep and unhealed pain. The discovery then that my husband was having an affair had shattered my world and my heart in so many pieces. I was left with no other option than to dig deep within and start creating the life I really wanted. I had three small children, had just moved from California to Arizona and for the first time in my life was not working outside the home. In my naivete, I had truly believed he would never betray me in such a way. Talk about vulnerable. I was completely alone, my family was in South Africa, my teaching credential was in California, my children were really young and my husband was having an affair and showing no remorse.
I did not know what to do so I surrendered. Feeling grace pour into me at such a difficult time, I experienced clarity in a way I never had before. I sat down and allowed myself to write a list of what I really wanted and desired. I listened to what called me from the inside, finding a strength I had forgotten was there, if I ever really knew. I felt a presence of an energy that was so beautiful and comforting and I seemed to keep hearing a voice in my heart saying: ” Marion, there is Power in Vulnerability”. The purity and strength of the message was so strong and reassuring at a time that I really needed it. It felt like a comforting Mother Energy. Intellectually, however, I could not quite wrap my mind around the concept, power in vulnerability. Isn’t being vulnerable weak? I was about to go on a journey to discover otherwise. A journey that would come full circle when my marriage really did end 14 years later. A journey to myself, a journey to freedom from the inside out. This message would become my companion, my support and my teaching.
I would learn and know inside that the only true place of power is when we have an open honest relationship with ourselves and when we live from our essential natures. This is of course also very vulnerable. Opening ourselves up to the world around us without our shields of protection, our roles, our achievements, our fears takes courage.
Even though our societal belief is that vulnerability is like weakness, it is a false belief because it is only when we embrace all of our Self, our strengths and weaknesses, our grace and our shadow, our fears and triumphs, that we can offer who we are to the world. By settling into that and letting go, we approach our lives open hearted. We begin to dance in the energy of who we are, no apologies, no protections. This is true power and freedom.
May 2nd I am holding a workshop on Effective Communication. It is a key ingredient in creating safe space for ourselves so we can let go. Please sign up below
Love and Light, Marion